Sacred Sex versus Corporate Sex

As I look back over my blog entries, I am happy to remember that I’ve blogged on topics not directly related to sex.  I only post once a month and the last few months I’ve felt called to write about some aspect of sex although that is not all I want this blog to be about.  Still, there are a lot of immature ideas about sex circulating in society, especially on the internet, so once I got started on the topic issues to address just seemed to keep growing.  I’m okay with that, however, because my posts on sex are never just about sex, they’re about evolution and enlightenment.  So in that spirit, I want to share some ideas that have been generated by recent activity.

If you look at my last post, you’ll still I was invited to speak at BU’s School of Public Health about my experience using porn then not only renouncing it, but also taking a public stance advocating others do the same.  The occasion of the BU talk was the screening of a documentary film to Public Health students about the dangers of porn consumption.  After the event, I posted on Facebook how I was satisfied with my talk and several men mentioned they wished they had attended.  So I decided to do a screening of the film in the men’s group I attend in Dorchester so all my brothers could see the documentary and we could have a serious discussion with mature men about how porn influences our lives.  Well, none of the three men who expressed interest on FB showed up, but nine guys including myself did and we had a great conversation.

Most of us, however, myself included, felt the film did not do justice to the complexity and diversity of porn (think of Reefer Madness for pornography) and also offered no alternative perspective for what to do rather than consuming porn.   

The film was not without its good points, in fact, watching it again helped me frame the juxtaposition that I will present to you as a motivation for this article.  First, we have to realize that (for the most part) those who create pornography do not have their consumer’s (much less performer’s) best interest at heart.  This is stone cold capitalism, designed to extract the highest profit margin for the lowest investment.  History has shown that a “free market” with no public oversight leads to human slavery, hence, the patchwork of regulations preventing conscienceless corporations and their masters from totally exploiting the Earth and enslaving her inhabitants.

I am in favor of wealth creation, but so much of what goes on in the porn industry is devoid of integrity and ethics that the products cannot help but be toxic.  So when we leave these folks in charge of the sexual education of a population, which is the de facto position that the porn industry occupies, we end up with a huge variety of sexual and relationship malfunctions.  Watching this anti-porn documentary, The Price of Pleasure, with a group of conscious brothers, I realized there was a major piece of the puzzle missing.  The film railed against the violent, misogynistic worldview perpetuated by most porn, but it offered no alternative.  So I would like to provide an alternative perspective. 

Porn can be thought of as Corporate Sex, it’s created with the simple idea of hooking as many consumers (mostly men) into watching as much as possible.  Much, if not most of the product, is degrading to women and men and certainly does not show the great potential of sex to awaken the higher virtues in humanity.  So if porn is Corporate Sex, the alternative is Sacred Sex.  Sacred Sex can be intuitively understood as that which leads to genuine intimacy between partners and greater connection to the higher, more divine, more evolved part of our being.  My wife, Radiant Jasmin, and I have been incorporating elements of Sacred Sexual practice into our lives since we first found love together in 1987. 

In 2009, we gave a talk at the Tantric Indian Bistro in Boston that laid down some fundamental tenets of this practice (her mic didn’t work which is why none of her comments are included).  So in this first video I’ve ever posted on the internet, I invite you to see why I say I’ve used porn and I’ve used Tantra.  Tantra is like Ambrosia.  Porn is like dog shit.  You decide.

http://youtu.be/0JAPVTuyWQg

The Price of Pleasure (review)

Note: Because I was asked to speak at a discussion about pornography to a Public Health class at Boston University this week, I decided to break my routine and publish two posts this month - both about porn.  Just for the record I"ll be back to other musings next month. 

I watched a disturbing documentary film last weekend.  The Price of Pleasure: Pornography, Sexuality and Relationships by Chyng Sun and Miguel Picker highlights the transgressions of an industry out of control.   The film documents an industry wide increase in torture scenes.  I reluctantly watched a naked women being water-boarded as foreplay.  It documented mainstream porn’s increase in multiple men on single woman scenes by showing a 20 on 1 interaction.  Let me tell you, the image of 19 grown men standing around a woman on her knees, playing with their dicks while waiting for a blowjob, did nothing to advance the cause of healthy masculinity.  Maybe most instructive was the scene at an adult toy convention where a salesman was hawking a robotic love doll.  A middle aged guy fondles the robot’s tit and gives the salesmen an appreciative nod.

That’s the rub, fellas.  They’ve taken the human connection out of sex.  Too many of us are settling for internet images of idealized women or strippers in clubs, neither of whom have any human connection to us.  It’s sad.  After watching The Price of Pleasure, I certainly didn’t feel like watching porn, but it offered no better information on what to do with my sex urge.  At one point, the well known activist Gail Dines said a person who complains that anti-porners are against sex is like a person who complains that because you speak out against McDonald’s, you are against food.  It’s a good analogy.  The Price of Pleasure, however, is not about recipes for beautiful gourmet sexuality.  It’s all stick, stick, stick.  You’ll have to find the carrot elsewhere.  

Of course, most anti-porners are not against sex.  People speak out against porn because of the damage it does to human beings and to intimacy between partners.  There is, however, a long tradition of sexual repression around the world.  One reason porn is so dangerous and so pervasive is because of the vacuum of communication and media about enlightened sexual practices.  Porn, unfortunately, rushes in to fill that void with the lowest common denominator.  

Those of us interested in sexual healing need to focus on the beautiful, loving, erotic interactions that real people participate in that simply are not available from actresses or animatronics devices.  Clearly, there is a need for anti-porn agitation, but at the end of the day porn users need to be convinced, not only that porn is harmful, but also there is an alternative that feels even better.  Porn would not be as popular as it is if people were exposed to the communicative, sensual and meditative pleasures of enlightened sex.  You don’t want to eat at McDonald’s once you gain an appetite for healthy, gourmet food, but giving up the Big Mac is not always easy.

I’m hip to the fact that a great number of men use porn.  But a great number of men have credit card debt and that's not a good thing either.  Just like earning financial freedom requires vision, planning and discipline, true sexual freedom must be earned with vision, planning and discipline as well.  The porn experience allows only a superficial connection to our sexual being.  By remaining on a shallow, surface level with our sexual partners, be they porn actresses or women we know personally, the best part of the experience is forfeited. 

One of the foundation tenets of healthy manhood must be an enlightened sexual ethic.  Men simply spend too much time thinking about sex to give our vision over to cheap corrupters of the faith.   We know instinctively there is so much more to sex than pornographers would have us believe.  It’s ironic that these are called adult films when they are more accurately adolescent fantasies sold to viewers with underdeveloped imaginations.  It’s our duty as adults to do the serious work of communicating within and beyond the sexual experience so we get to know ourselves and our partners better.  That work begins by reflecting deeply on our own thoughts and feelings to determine a path that is erotically true.  The work continues by aligning our deepest sexual thoughts and feelings with those of a partner. 

When we commit to visioning the ideal sexual relationship, planning its manifestation and disciplining ourselves to achieve it, few will find ourselves in front of a computer screen holding semen soaked tissues.  More likely, we'll find ourselves looking deeply into the soul of another.

Porn Epiphany

Like many men, I grew up with porn. I remember seeing my first sex magazine in 4th or 5th grade. Another boy brought it to school and was passing it around. My desire to get more time with those images was so strong I manipulated my classmate by telling him if he didn't give me the magazine I would tell his mother he had it. He surrendered it and I happily sneaked it into my home. Later, I realized this was my first example of porn making you stupid. Even as a kid I wondered why my classmate didn't counter by threatening to tell my mother I had the magazine.

Due to technological advances, porn is more widely available and accepted than when that exchange occurred in the early 1970s. Porn is a multi-Billion dollar industry that affects everyone who's connected to the internet.

In 1985, when I met the woman who became my wife, my porn collection consisted of a milk crate full of magazines. Mostly over the counter stuff: some Playboys, Players, Hustlers and other magazines that had articles to read when you got tired of pursuing their primary purpose. The crate also contained an assortment of hardcore magazines showing couples exploring fantasies the art directors thought would keep men like me buying their product. I didn't try to keep the stash secret from my future wife. The porn was part of my sexual software and sharing it with my real life partner was, I thought, helpful to keep us on the same page. After all, I only held onto magazines that turned me on, so it was a good way for her to get to know what I liked.

Shortly after we started dating, I let Jasmin perused my collection.  She seemed unimpressed. She had been raised in a family far more libertine than I was and she was no stranger to photos of people having sex. Her disinterest in the magazines didn't bother me. I could enjoy them without her. I had also shown the magazines to previous girlfriends and, in my experience, women didn't get excited about porn. I never shared my collection with male friends.  I didn't want to masturbate with a magazine another man had fondled.  But from conversations it was clear that I wasn't the only brother with a stash.

Jasmin and I made a commitment to one another and started down Intimacy Road, removing one mask after another as we went. Soon, she disclosed she had been sexually molested as a child. Not long after that, she indicted my porn collection as a contributor to the sexual exploitation of women and girls that resulted in her being incested. Because she had been photographed as part of her abuse, her sensitivity to porn was especially high.

I was blindsided by the idea that these legally purchased photos could be a factor in the criminal cruelty endured by her and other abuse victims. I wasn't, however, in a good position to argue with her feelings about being molested.

So, for the first time, I chose to address the ethical issues of porn. I imagined the models' life stories beyond the art directors' fantasies. I wondered how many of them had been sexually victimized as children and questioned what the real life women thought about the scenes they acted. I came to the conclusion that most women who had options would choose another profession and that by using porn I was playing into the subjugation of an oppressed class. After a period of serious deliberation, I decided to toss my collection. Jasmin was pleased by my decision, but didn't offer me the level of praise I felt I deserved.  I think she believed she had done me a favor.  Something along the lines of, "Shoot, you want to be a spiritual man you shouldn't be looking at the stuff anyway."

And important to both of us, the photos would no longer trigger memories of her abuse and I'm sure she intuitively felt that my porn use was a barrier to our closeness. Discarding the magazines was, no doubt, one small piece of the long, intense path of healing her sexual abuse trauma.

Since making that decision, I've dabbled with porn from time to time. When Jasmin and I met, I was in a luddite phase: didn't own a TV, much less a VCR, so my porn was limited to magazines. After each upgrade to our media repertoire—TV/VCR, cable and internet—I experimented with the new delivery system.

The big difference with cable and internet was, of course, no embarrassing trips to the magazine or video store. This was no small consideration. Having a dealer anonymously deliver legal samples to your door tends to increase your usage. I've abstained from internet porn most of the past six years, but a few times have found the near infinite variety of sexual titillation just a mouse click away too compelling.

My feeling that garden variety porn is oppressive to women never abated (I acknowledge the possibility of making conscientious, uplifting erotic films, but that's not what's driving the porn industry).  This is in direct opposition to the unspoken idea I had been raised on—that porn was just benign, male fun.

When I lapsed into occasional porn viewing, my wife was patient with me. Because we are fond of sex and because the porn industry has staked a claim, erroneously as it turns out, as a purveyor of liberated sexuality; Jasmin may have subconsciously thought she should enjoy the images more than she did. But, try as we might, the back stories of the performers bothered both her and I. It became increasingly difficult for me to justify porn's use in our intimate relationship. Although I initially renounced porn because of how it affects women; as I pursued my spiritual evolution, viewing pornography became a practice that was increasingly at odds with my own sense of integrity.

Then, in 2006, I read an article called "Pimps and Johns" in Voice Male magazine. It was written by Robert Jensen, a journalism professor and anti-porn activist. He argued that viewers of pornography as well as performers are degraded by their involvement. Personally, I know using porn usually left me feeling ashamed. My reflections sparked by the article inspired a revelation: using porn hinders the intimacy that Jasmin and I strive for in our relationship. Whether alone or with my wife, viewing porn takes time and energy away from our union and squanders it on a pseudo-relationship. Even using porn as a stimulus for marital sex is problematic because mainstream porn doesn't model healthy avenues of connection. Porn is at best "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am"—and not reflective of the deep, physically, emotionally and spiritually satisfying sex I want in my own life.

And not surprisingly, I find it easier to achieve sexual pleasure and intimacy with my beloved when images of models paid to perform male fantasies aren't playing in my head.

There are lots of critiques of porn from a feminist point of view. However, as men, I want us to address the ubiquity of porn and decide whether using it for sexual stimulation is leading us toward enlightened masculinity or is contributing to our being used as pawns for a corporate sexuality devoid of integrity. I've talked to many women besides my wife who are quietly disgusted by their male partner's use of porn, but just accept it as a fact of life. That's unfortunate. Porn is like sexual crack—a quick high that feels good as long as you don't think about it too much. But, ultimately, the emptiness we try and fill in this manner is only aggravated.

I honor freedom of speech and freedom of the press. I'm not suggesting porn be outlawed.  I spent too many years doing illegal drugs to consider that a reasonable solution.  I am advocating that men examine our relationship with porn more seriously. How does using it affect our self-worth? How does viewing porn affect the way we treat real women in our lives? How does using porn contribute to sexual oppression and violence in our communities? I'm convinced with a little introspection more men will acknowledge porn's harmful effects and subsequently adjust their behavior.

I stopped using porn because I'm committed to being the most empathetic human being and the best sexual partner I can. Using porn doesn't support that. I discovered more satisfying sexual software using my own creativity, listening to my partner and exploring books that deal with true sexual intimacy. Both Jasmin and I won when I let my heart, not my penis, be my guide. This path has given me more pleasure than following the jaundiced script of a pornographer exploiting my imagination for a buck.

It's ironic: throwing away that milk crate full of magazines ended up being a giant step toward my true sexual liberation.

Do You Know Where I'm Going To?

     Men have a reputation of not wanting to ask for directions.  But it’s not always the famous male ego that prevents us from asking.  Have you ever asked a stranger for directions?  More often than not, the respondent knows less about your destination than you.  Asking for directions reminds you that anyone is allowed to walk around the streets.  If there can only be one sharpest tool in the shed, the law of averages tells you that most people you ask are not going to be that tool.

     There are four basic types of responses you can get when asking for directions.  If you’re lucky, you approach someone capable of executing a clear, concise, accurate reply.  You take in the info and soon you are both happily on your way.  The second possibility is a respondent who cannot answer your query, but quickly reports his deficit, maybe empathizes with your plight briefly then moves on.  This is significantly better than the other two options. 

     The third type of respondent has a vague idea how to get where you’re going, but is incapable of transmitting this knowledge to you.  Even worse, this respondent will not acknowledge his limitation and you’re caught hoping he comes up with the goods while he fumbles through the incomplete maps in his mind.  The forth type is the worst.  He doesn’t know, but confidently gives you bogus directions either to keep from appearing ignorant or just for his own amusement.

     You can tell when you’ve asked the right person because he intuitively turns his body, looks in the direction you want to go and points while he talks.  There’s no divination required.  He knows the area and can describe a logical sequence of steps to take you to your destination.  You only need to listen carefully.  Thank him sincerely because these respondents are rare. 

     Sometimes, even after an excellent start this Good Samaritan can turn into trouble.  He can let your attentiveness go to his head, get too cocky and start to show off.  This is when the ideal respondent starts to slip into the person who can’t give information properly.  He knows where you’re going, but has poor social skills.  He’s so unused to being helpful that he goes overboard and becomes confusing and irritating.  This low functioning member of the human family blows the interaction by offering additional irrelevant information.  After telling you to turn right at the blue house, he recounts the story of when he got drunk at a party in that house and puked in the flower pot on the porch.  No wonder your parents told you, “Don’t talk to strangers.” 

   

    

     You can tell when you get the guy with a vague idea of where you’re going because he closes his eyes and tilts his head dramatically, consulting some internal Global Positioning System.   While his eyes are closed, you should drive away because it only gets worse.  When he returns to his body, he sounds like a 7^th grader presenting an oral report on a book he only read the back cover of right before class.  There’s a kernel of truth in there, but he’s making up some filler too.  If you didn’t drive away when his eyes were closed, your best bet is nod until you can get rid of him.  Then ask another person. 

     Occasionally, I overhear someone asking directions to a place I know how to get to.  I have to hold myself back from jumping in the conversation.  It’s like being in class when you know the answer and excitedly raise your hand to show everybody how smart you are.  At these times, I slow down to make sure the other respondent isn’t screwing up.  I’ve never had to jump in with corrections, but you never know.  Once a friend and I were talking in Boston Common when a woman walked up and asked us where Boylston Street was.  We both perked up with an excited “I got this” expression then immediately pointed in two different directions.  We were both technically correct, but I knew by her face that we had lost all credibility with her.  We clarified her exact location and agreed on the easiest way to get there, but first impressions are hard to overcome.  We didn’t see her stop to ask another person, but if I was her, I would have.

       I’ve considered conducting an experiment where I ask a number of people how to get someplace that I really know how to get to, just to test the quality of their responses.  Given my experience asking for directions, my hypothesis is the greatest number of people will know, but give poor directions.  We live in our own heads so much that it can be easy for us to do a task, but hard to explain it to others.  The ideal respondent not only understands geography, but also knows a thing or two about teaching.

     I’m not sure if the quality of responses will be different for men and women.  I like talking to women, but I usually ask a man if I’m looking for directions.  I probably have some sexism left in me, but I don’t ask men because I think we’re smarter.  I’ve observed women are usually more nervous when I stop them on the street, especially if I quickly veer my car towards them when they’re walking on the sidewalk.  I’ve found guys may not like asking for directions, but we love it when someone asks us how to get somewhere, even if we don’t know where you’re going.

     Enjoy it while you can.  With the ubiquity and miniaturization of GPS units soon there will be little reason to ask anyone how to get anywhere.  Almost everyone will have a GPS on their body.  Asking for directions in the future will be like asking someone now where to find a payphone.  They just look at you sadly and say, “You don’t have a phone?”

My Wife's Friend

I have mixed feelings about my wife’s menstruation.  I’ve trained myself to be happy when it comes because it means we’ve navigated another month without conceiving children.  We’re busy enough with two adolescents and don’t want to go back to the starting gate.  So, although I welcome it from the family planning perspective, my initial reaction is often a selfish, “Damn, no sex for a week.”

To complicate the situation, Jasmin suffers from pretty bad cramps for the first few days.  During this time, she is not in a great mood and becomes easily irritated.  I’m often the object of her menstrual fury.  Behavior that would not piss her off the rest of the month causes her to glare at me with annoyance, repeating the famous phrase, “You know what time of the month it is.”

My feelings about menstruation are colored by the fact that Jasmin’s cramps cause her to be irritable.  My ability to be compassionate is sometimes lacking.  Even though I’m happy she’s not pregnant, I get a little aggravated that I have to deal with her short-temperedness every month.  We often have small arguments on the first or second day of her period until I decide to back off because experience tells me there is no winning at this time.

I pine for the wise old days of Moon Lodges.  The Moon Lodge was a tradition in many Indigenous cultures.  A separate space of honor was provided for menstruating women.  Recognizing that this was a special time, the women would gather to reflect, relax and connect with Spirit, relieved of everyday responsibilities.  Their regular duties were picked up by family or community members and the Lodge guests were cared for by elder women not on their menses.  Both menstruating women and their families got a break.

Jasmin takes it easier at the start of her period but her responsibilities don’t allow her to just rest a few days straight.  Because there’s no place she can easily go away and chill while she’s menstruating, she still has to deal with me and the kids.  If she did hang out with a girlfriend during her time, I’d be afraid that might result in a quid pro quo of our house being visited throughout the month her cramp driven, irritable friends.

To help me improve my attitude, I printed up a little sign that says “Moon Lodge” and tape it to our bedroom door when I notice it’s that time of the month.  This reminds me to show more compassion for the cramps.  I try extra hard to be patient which makes my life more pleasant as well.  Like so many things in our fast paced society, we cannot totally experience the slower, simpler world of old, but we can use our intelligence to approximate the best parts of it.

I have a vested interest in showing more empathy when Jasmin suffers from menstrual cramps.  It helps to minimize the conflict in our relationship by acknowledging there’s a powerful, largely unseen, process that I don’t fully understand happening within her body.  I still don’t get sex for a week, but there’s less tension in our home.

I know all women wouldn’t want to use a traditional Moon Lodge.  But, as a society, we could incorporate more Moon Lodges for women who do want it.  Honoring the sacred time of a woman’s menstruation in a conscious way supports greater harmony in all relationships.  President Obama might even support an initiative to establish Moon Lodges across the country.  It’s not that far-fetched an idea.  It just depends on how bad the First Lady’s cramps are.

Mary Jane

I met this girl before I was really a man

I was just a teenager of almost sixteen,

but before my next birthday came around

the way this chick had me hooked was obscene.

Like all nice grooves it started friendly enough.

She was the answer to my every dream.

Mary Jane lifted my mood when I was sad

and she knew everyone on the scene.

We had a pretty good run at first.

We saw each other almost every night.

It was all laughter and fun and bliss and joy.

I never once remember having a fight.

But I knew that we spent too much time together.

I neglected school, family, other friends.

And I spent way too much money on this girl

Her hand in my wallet had to end.

So I approached her reasonably and said

We need to have a short separation.

She just laughed in my face and replied,

I own you, boy. You can’t walk offa my plantation.

I said, you don’t know me, woman

and puffed up my chest, indignant at the slight

But I guess she did know me because

in her arms I lay at the end of that night.

That marked a changed in our relationship

I still loved her but now more out of fear

I wanted to avoid how I felt away from her

a combination of anger and despair.

So I started being with her all the time.

We still had lots of friends that we shared.

But I felt resentment of her power over me

and knew one day I'd escape if I dared.

If I hadn’t met a new friend who showed me true love

I might have taken Mary Jane to my grave

But my new friend looked me in the eyes and said,

Man, that woman has made you a slave.

My will power awoke.  I developed a spine

and told Mary Jane she must go.

Like most abusers, she was a little thick

It took her a while to understood No.

This time when I removed her claws from my heart

I set up a boundary she could not penetrate.

She tried to come back many, many times;

but my love for her had turned into hate.

Years later now, I no longer hate Mary Jane.

but she’s still not welcome in my life.

I gave her more power than any partner should have.

She was an okay girlfriend, but a lousy wife.

I usually don’t speak against her in public.

She’s got a lot of passionate defenders

But I finally decided to tell you my story

In case you too are trying to suspend her.     

Mary Jane.