Do You Know Where I'm Going To?

     Men have a reputation of not wanting to ask for directions.  But it’s not always the famous male ego that prevents us from asking.  Have you ever asked a stranger for directions?  More often than not, the respondent knows less about your destination than you.  Asking for directions reminds you that anyone is allowed to walk around the streets.  If there can only be one sharpest tool in the shed, the law of averages tells you that most people you ask are not going to be that tool.

     There are four basic types of responses you can get when asking for directions.  If you’re lucky, you approach someone capable of executing a clear, concise, accurate reply.  You take in the info and soon you are both happily on your way.  The second possibility is a respondent who cannot answer your query, but quickly reports his deficit, maybe empathizes with your plight briefly then moves on.  This is significantly better than the other two options. 

     The third type of respondent has a vague idea how to get where you’re going, but is incapable of transmitting this knowledge to you.  Even worse, this respondent will not acknowledge his limitation and you’re caught hoping he comes up with the goods while he fumbles through the incomplete maps in his mind.  The forth type is the worst.  He doesn’t know, but confidently gives you bogus directions either to keep from appearing ignorant or just for his own amusement.

     You can tell when you’ve asked the right person because he intuitively turns his body, looks in the direction you want to go and points while he talks.  There’s no divination required.  He knows the area and can describe a logical sequence of steps to take you to your destination.  You only need to listen carefully.  Thank him sincerely because these respondents are rare. 

     Sometimes, even after an excellent start this Good Samaritan can turn into trouble.  He can let your attentiveness go to his head, get too cocky and start to show off.  This is when the ideal respondent starts to slip into the person who can’t give information properly.  He knows where you’re going, but has poor social skills.  He’s so unused to being helpful that he goes overboard and becomes confusing and irritating.  This low functioning member of the human family blows the interaction by offering additional irrelevant information.  After telling you to turn right at the blue house, he recounts the story of when he got drunk at a party in that house and puked in the flower pot on the porch.  No wonder your parents told you, “Don’t talk to strangers.” 

   

    

     You can tell when you get the guy with a vague idea of where you’re going because he closes his eyes and tilts his head dramatically, consulting some internal Global Positioning System.   While his eyes are closed, you should drive away because it only gets worse.  When he returns to his body, he sounds like a 7^th grader presenting an oral report on a book he only read the back cover of right before class.  There’s a kernel of truth in there, but he’s making up some filler too.  If you didn’t drive away when his eyes were closed, your best bet is nod until you can get rid of him.  Then ask another person. 

     Occasionally, I overhear someone asking directions to a place I know how to get to.  I have to hold myself back from jumping in the conversation.  It’s like being in class when you know the answer and excitedly raise your hand to show everybody how smart you are.  At these times, I slow down to make sure the other respondent isn’t screwing up.  I’ve never had to jump in with corrections, but you never know.  Once a friend and I were talking in Boston Common when a woman walked up and asked us where Boylston Street was.  We both perked up with an excited “I got this” expression then immediately pointed in two different directions.  We were both technically correct, but I knew by her face that we had lost all credibility with her.  We clarified her exact location and agreed on the easiest way to get there, but first impressions are hard to overcome.  We didn’t see her stop to ask another person, but if I was her, I would have.

       I’ve considered conducting an experiment where I ask a number of people how to get someplace that I really know how to get to, just to test the quality of their responses.  Given my experience asking for directions, my hypothesis is the greatest number of people will know, but give poor directions.  We live in our own heads so much that it can be easy for us to do a task, but hard to explain it to others.  The ideal respondent not only understands geography, but also knows a thing or two about teaching.

     I’m not sure if the quality of responses will be different for men and women.  I like talking to women, but I usually ask a man if I’m looking for directions.  I probably have some sexism left in me, but I don’t ask men because I think we’re smarter.  I’ve observed women are usually more nervous when I stop them on the street, especially if I quickly veer my car towards them when they’re walking on the sidewalk.  I’ve found guys may not like asking for directions, but we love it when someone asks us how to get somewhere, even if we don’t know where you’re going.

     Enjoy it while you can.  With the ubiquity and miniaturization of GPS units soon there will be little reason to ask anyone how to get anywhere.  Almost everyone will have a GPS on their body.  Asking for directions in the future will be like asking someone now where to find a payphone.  They just look at you sadly and say, “You don’t have a phone?”

My Wife's Friend

I have mixed feelings about my wife’s menstruation.  I’ve trained myself to be happy when it comes because it means we’ve navigated another month without conceiving children.  We’re busy enough with two adolescents and don’t want to go back to the starting gate.  So, although I welcome it from the family planning perspective, my initial reaction is often a selfish, “Damn, no sex for a week.”

To complicate the situation, Jasmin suffers from pretty bad cramps for the first few days.  During this time, she is not in a great mood and becomes easily irritated.  I’m often the object of her menstrual fury.  Behavior that would not piss her off the rest of the month causes her to glare at me with annoyance, repeating the famous phrase, “You know what time of the month it is.”

My feelings about menstruation are colored by the fact that Jasmin’s cramps cause her to be irritable.  My ability to be compassionate is sometimes lacking.  Even though I’m happy she’s not pregnant, I get a little aggravated that I have to deal with her short-temperedness every month.  We often have small arguments on the first or second day of her period until I decide to back off because experience tells me there is no winning at this time.

I pine for the wise old days of Moon Lodges.  The Moon Lodge was a tradition in many Indigenous cultures.  A separate space of honor was provided for menstruating women.  Recognizing that this was a special time, the women would gather to reflect, relax and connect with Spirit, relieved of everyday responsibilities.  Their regular duties were picked up by family or community members and the Lodge guests were cared for by elder women not on their menses.  Both menstruating women and their families got a break.

Jasmin takes it easier at the start of her period but her responsibilities don’t allow her to just rest a few days straight.  Because there’s no place she can easily go away and chill while she’s menstruating, she still has to deal with me and the kids.  If she did hang out with a girlfriend during her time, I’d be afraid that might result in a quid pro quo of our house being visited throughout the month her cramp driven, irritable friends.

To help me improve my attitude, I printed up a little sign that says “Moon Lodge” and tape it to our bedroom door when I notice it’s that time of the month.  This reminds me to show more compassion for the cramps.  I try extra hard to be patient which makes my life more pleasant as well.  Like so many things in our fast paced society, we cannot totally experience the slower, simpler world of old, but we can use our intelligence to approximate the best parts of it.

I have a vested interest in showing more empathy when Jasmin suffers from menstrual cramps.  It helps to minimize the conflict in our relationship by acknowledging there’s a powerful, largely unseen, process that I don’t fully understand happening within her body.  I still don’t get sex for a week, but there’s less tension in our home.

I know all women wouldn’t want to use a traditional Moon Lodge.  But, as a society, we could incorporate more Moon Lodges for women who do want it.  Honoring the sacred time of a woman’s menstruation in a conscious way supports greater harmony in all relationships.  President Obama might even support an initiative to establish Moon Lodges across the country.  It’s not that far-fetched an idea.  It just depends on how bad the First Lady’s cramps are.