I think about sex a lot.
I’m 49 years old, and
I’ve spent much of the past four decades years thinking about sex. I’ve also spent too much time in Men’s
Circles to think it’s just me. I accept
a biological basis to these thoughts: I’m hardwired to think about procreation.
I love my family, I love nature, I love to write. But thoughts of these and other joys don’t
catapult into my mind with the frequency and intensity of sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts are a category all their
own.
Our lives are shaped,
however, not so much by what happens to us, but by how we respond. My sexual thoughts haven’t diminished much
since I was a young man, but what I do with them has changed. In the past, it was common for me to use my
imagination to undress and sex women throughout the day. At school, work, on
public transportation, in the street, all I needed was to see a pretty hairdo,
face, breast, stomach, ass, leg, foot, and the sexual visualization was
on.
If the woman was especially fine, I
might take the memory home and work with it when I had more time and
privacy. In my mind, I’ve sexed more
women than Wilt Chamberlain did in real life.
Sexual thoughts still
arise spontaneously in my mind, but I treat them differently now. It’s been a long time since I mentally
undressed a woman on the train and imagined full-out intercourse with her. It just isn’t as much fun as it used to
be. Blame it on maturity, marriage,
being a father, a spiritual aspirant, or some combination, but I no longer
compartmentalize my sexuality outside of other aspects of my life. I don’t
treat the attraction in the same way, but as the old saying goes, I’m not
dead. I do feel it.
So what do I do when
I’m on the train, or at work, and I feel that familiar pull toward a pretty
face, breast, or buttock? The first
thing I do is breathe. That sends a
signal to my brain. The sharp intake of
breath is similar to, but different from, the instinctive “Oh shit!” in the old
days. You know the one. You see a beautiful woman and your brain
immediately stops and says, “Oh shit!”
At least, that was the phrase imprinted on my mind. Depending on the time and place of your
socialization, the phrase might be “Good golly!” or even “Jesus!” but it all
means the same thing. I want to fuck her.
Through years of
training, I’ve reprogrammed myself to take a deep breath when I see a sexy
woman. That breath sends an important
message to my brain. It short-circuits
the adrenaline rush that is pushing my reptilian brain to fight, flight, or
freeze. I need this space because after
30 years of self-reflection, 20 years of monogamy, and 10 years of men’s
groups, my knee-jerk reaction to a beautiful woman is still to try and sex her. To engage in one of the oldest fights there
is: the sexual conquest.
The breath allows my
brain and my body to slow down. It
reminds me I am okay just as I am. I
don’t have to do anything. The sexual
thoughts can be very powerful. Every day
men throw relationships, careers, and happiness overboard because they followed
that “Oh shit!” down a slippery slope. This initial breath gives my heart and
mind time to catch up with my groin. It
doesn’t diminish my pleasure in observing a beautiful woman. Au contraire! It actually increases my pleasure because the
rush of sexual energy is circulated throughout my entire body.
Eastern systems of
healing, like yoga and tai chi, describe energy centers in the body. According
to these models, concentrated centers of vitality located along the spine
control health and disease. When I am in a state
of sexual excitement, my awareness is focused on the lower energy centers along
my spine, near my groin and belly button. If, feeling this sexual agitation, I
decide to pause and consciously breathe, I can literally feel my awareness lift
to the higher energy centers in my heart, throat, and head. For folks committed to exploring only the
physical aspects of sex this may be hard to believe, but I actually feel a high—similar
to my old drug experiences—when my awareness rises in this manner.
Nowadays, I find
pleasure in working to deliberately elevate my sexual thoughts. Trying to repress sex thoughts can be counterproductive.
It’s like pushing down on a balloon. It seems like you’re successful until you discover
the balloon bulging out in another area. Pausing to take a conscious breath
when I feel sexually excited doesn’t repress or deny the thought. It actually
revels in and expands the thought to include something greater than just the
sum of a woman’s sexy parts. It encourages connection with her spirit as well
as her flesh.
I don’t pretend this
is easy. If the attraction is intense it can take two or three or many more breaths
to shift my awareness. Eventually,
though, I am able to enjoy an awareness of the source that animates the sexy
body part as well as the natural curve of the breast or butt or thigh. I’ve found this is an excellent way to
harness, with integrity, the sexual thoughts that constantly bombard my brain
so when I gaze at a beautiful woman, the intense desire for sex can more quickly
be transformed into the satisfaction of simply being.
Thanks for posting this, Haji - I've known you've been on this path - of helping men grapple with their sexuality...it's like Jacob (was it, I should know this)...who wrestled with the Angels and was rewarded for his efforts. So are men - mostly - to be challenged, in overcoming, or mastering (not bating) their desires.
ReplyDeleteI am just like you - when we have that moment of connection - like predator and prey, it IS reptilian!
But it's also something that needs to be worked on BETWEEN the sexes. I believe - in monogamous or promiscuous relationships - the key is how to balance male & female sexual interest in a way that works for BOTH parties. Women have a lot more control & power over men's sexuality than they even take credit for.
And although you don't mention it here, I know your work with (against) pornography. I'd like to share my thoughts about that too, because I believe the culture in general (and TV in particular) are part of the pornographic society that strives to capitalize on that IT moment (we both mentioned), and I'm tired of it...I don't want my buttons pushed that way...for someone else's sister, mother, or daughter - it's not right.
In point of fact, I think it's much more healthy in the moment to feel that flash of intense attraction at women you see in the street than on a computer or TV screen, magazine or otherwise, because they're REAL, not imagined, contrived, laid there for you, like a trap...you can see the whole humanity in that woman's clothing, choices, direction, lifestyle...she's in HER element, on HER terms, and I respect that!
Brother Kyle, Thanks for your comments. It feels liberating, healing and dangerous to publicly have these conversations. Even talking about healthy, sacred sexuality in our society that either debases or denies it can be frustrating. Teaching our children about intimacy and love when the culture markets superficiality and disconnect is a challenge.
ReplyDeleteThe basic biology of sexual attraction is compelling enough, but you're so right then the pornographers get a hold of it and distort our attraction/desires way out of proportion. It seems like I go through my day constantly pulling myself back into harmony and ONENESS when the ego insists on seeing her as something else. She's not only my mother and daughter and sister, she's myself. I. I. I. Yes, sex can be beautiful and elevating, but so often we fall into the contrived trap. Look forward to continue building this new paradigm with other conscious brothers and sisters. OneLove